As a child, I remember my day dreams always consisted of me being someone different. With all the entertainment on television and pictures in magazines; the ideal beauty standard was clear.
Thin. White. Flat butts. Busty.
When there was representation of Black women; the standard was also very clear.
Light Skin.Slim.Curvy. Busty. Voluptuous rear end.
There was never representation of girls or women who looked like me unless it was in a comical or mothering role. Even worse, the butt of someone’s jokes.
The Struggle to Make Peace With My Body
I went through years of trying to find the value in a body like mine; even at my smallest. I’ve shared here my journey with binge eating and my unhealthy view of food. Even once I stopped the unhealthy eating habits; I still struggled to reconcile my view of my body.
For a long time I learned to hide what I considered to be the unsavory parts of my body. I would never tuck my shirts in, I wouldn’t dare wear high-waist pants, and my legs were to be covered as well as my arms even in the hottest of weather. I felt that by doing these things, I was some how hiding my fatness.
Learning Self Love
Over time with growth, maturation, and experience; I slowly began to shed the standards of beauty that I was constantly bombarded with. It was not some zen journey to a place of peace. The choice also wasn’t some radical act of self love where I woke up and suddenly decided I looked good.
It was as simple as hot weather, and deciding I was too hot to cover up my fat anymore for the sake of anyone else’s comfort.
And it wasn’t easy.
There was no glorious trumpet sound or some film montage of my discovering body peace. It was embarrassing, scary, uncomfortable at first. In time, I learned to just love my body for what it represented to ME. Not to anyone else.
It’s an Ongoing Process; But It’s Yours
I’ve spoken in depth on this blog and my social media platforms about the connection between mental and physical health. In this process it’s not always balanced. In fact, I spend a lot of time trying to get my mind and body on one accord.
I know body positive and fat acceptance are trendy right now. Empowering to some even. But when the trends and the movements dissipate and the tides turn in the opposite direction; where will you stand?
Hopefully firmly, on your own two feet, not moved by the to and fro of whatever wave popular influencers of the moment dictate. Your process is yours, and while you can draw inspiration by the things you read and see; your peace should not be tied to the weight gain or loss of your favorite public figure.
The Wrap Up
Blogging over the last 14 years has definitely opened up a world for me I never knew possible. Adding fashion and beauty to my content would have never occurred to me in the beginning; but I’m glad I added it. Exploring fashion at my largest size has truly given me joy.
I no longer feel encumbered by unnecessary standards of anyone else. I do my best to be modest, stylish to my liking and happy in my clothes. Fashion has become a creative outlet, a way to express myself and even a way to encourage other women.
But most importantly?
These days when I day dream, I’m seeing myself. And that’s on Self Love Periodt.
Until Next Time,