Ah yes ya’ll, I have a baby daddy. If you’re new here, welcome; I was a teen mom. A lot of people in my offline life don’t realize that my husband is not my oldest child’s biological father.
At 17 I made a bad choice one summer afternoon but it resulted in one of the most precious gifts I’ve ever received.
The early years of being a single mom was not without it’s drama; but hubby and I started dating by the time my daughter was 2. He was in her life full time by the time she was 3.
The truth is, I decided very early in my pregnancy that I was never going to chase her father to be a father. I’m not going to put his business out there because this isn’t a bashing session and we’re amicable. However, it didn’t take long after her birth for me to realize that I was going to have to make good on my word to myself.
It’s Going To Hurt
In the beginning, realizing you’re going to be taking care of your child by yourself hurts. It is a gut punch kind of hurt; like your breath is being knocked out of you.
I wasn’t in love with my “baby daddy”. Dare I say I didn’t even love him; not in the way a woman carrying anyone’s baby should. But the truth was by the time I’d given birth, I was an 18 year old with a lot of growing up to do.
The hurt of knowing I hadn’t made a baby by myself was very pungent. It was absolutely unfair take on the sole responsibility of caring for a baby. It hurt my pride, my ego and even my feelings. Even though it hurt, I KNEW life had to move on and I had a job to do. Wasting energy on him was not going to accomplish anything.
Focus on What Matters
I knew money wasn’t going to grow on trees and that welfare assistance alone wasn’t going to do the trick. I had to make a plan that was going to allow for me to be able to afford caring for my child.
My personal choice was to opt out of going to court for child support because it was a hassle.The reasoning that I developed was in the time it would take me to be in and out of court; time would be better spent working to take care of her. I knew eventually the state would recoup any debt he incurred by his absence.
My mind was made up that the only things that mattered were going back to school to get my GED, getting a job to pay bills, and being the best mother I could with the knowledge I had at the time.
Don’t Be Vindictive
This can be a difficult desire to overcome depending on your circumstances. Being angry and hurt can really stir up vindictive thoughts and ideas. The reality is, being vindictive truly only hurts you and your child.
I had moments when I allowed the opinions of others to shroud my thinking to the point where I considered being spiteful. But I had to really ask myself, what’s the purpose?
I had to truly assess my motives whenever I made a decision regarding my “baby daddy”. If I couldn’t truly make a decision from a clear head and peace of heart; I didn’t make it.
Be Patient, One Day Your Child Will Know the Truth
I used to wonder what I would tell my daughter. I thought it would be hard. But the truth was she never asked where her father was. She just always knew my husband wasn’t her “bio dad”; but she asked to call him dad before she turned 4 years old.
He raised her as his own and not much conversation was had about my “baby daddy” until she was about 7 or 8 and he made an effort to return. It hasn’t been an easy road since then. She’s almost 17 years old and is learning for herself the truth about her father.
When my daughter turned 13 I decided to be truly honest about the circumstances surrounding her conception. It wasn’t easy to tell my child I’d done something dumb because I knew it could possibly alter her opinion of me.
I’ve remained honest with her when she asks questions to this day. The onus is on her to decide what she wants to make of the relationship with her father and I’d never want to taint that.
Being a single mother is no easy feat by any stretch of the imagination. I absolutely understand the hurt and the bitterness that wells up inside of you. I can only imagine how much worse that might feel if you were actually in love.
But the bottom line is YOU deserve more. You deserve peace of mind. You deserve happiness and you will never find it if you’re too busy pursuing drama with your “baby daddy”.
Love him if you must, but love yourself and your child more.
Until next time,