Ted x Talk: I Owe My Energy to Myself

It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged, and I have to be completely honest and say that’s been intentional. If you follow me on Instagram then you’ve seen me recycle old looks on my grid. If you follow my Instastories than you’re getting the raw and unfiltered reasons for my absence.

I’m depressed.

I wrote a whole article about my current bout, and that was pretty early on in the battle. Right now? I’m in the trenches.

I honestly think it’s time to resume antidepressants. I have been off for close to two years now. Once we figured out that my thyroid was an issue, I wanted to come off the meds to see if the depression would resolve with the treatment of my thyroid.

I wish I had better results but here I am again, scheduling a visit and requesting treatment. I already know what I want to go back on. I have felt a mixture of guilt, inadequacy, and hopelessness. However, 70% of me knows that the root of these feelings are the depression. The other 30%? The inability to accept that my body has limitations now that it didn’t have before.

Total moment of transparency coming, so trigger warning for anybody not prepared for weight discussion.

I never signed up to be 400+ lbs. 4 years ago I was 350 lbs and active! I was exercising, walking everywhere and not a thought was put into my weight. In fact I had previously been 400+ lbs so getting down to that weight was a miracle and a welcomed one. So to watch the scale climb without my consent was not some act of fat acceptance heroism. It was literally out of my control.

And now being in a place where losing weight seems like such a far-fetched notion; I don’t have the energy to focus on it. Literally. I have to focus on just doing things to heal my symptoms, if I were to even consider weight loss my brain would probably explode.

And the crazy thing about all of this? This stuff is not even the highest priority on my list of concerns. My children and my husband are really high up there. So no, blogging hasn’t been on my list of things.

There’s  a lot of “influencers” and “bloggers” who would disagree with my lack of enthusiasm to keep up a charade; but I think it’s been quite clear for a while now that I’ve never been great about following the masses.

I hope to come back and bring you all great content, great pics and all of that, but for now; this is the me you’re getting.

My name’s Alicia & this was my Ted Talk.