4 years ago I lost my baby at 15 weeks gestation. I was a week away from my 4 month mark. On August 28th, 2014 I had surgery to induce birth. I named her Jordan.
My heart broke into a million pieces; just like it had days before when I saw her lifeless body on the ultrasound. Just a few weeks before that I was watching her little legs kick. It felt like a cruel joke played by life.
This wasn’t my first miscarriage; in fact it was my 8th.
I spent years believing I was the cause of each miscarriage I had experienced.
“You’re obese Mrs. Young.”
“Losing weight would help.”
This was the narrative I was fed for years. Never mind the fact that I had 2 healthy children at the time.
I watched my weight go up and down for years. At the time I lost Jordan I was at my lowest weight I had been in awhile.
I cried for months following her loss. Blaming myself for not being able to carry her to term. So imagine my surprise when 15 months later I found out I was pregnant again.
And in July 2016 I gave birth to my youngest baby boy.
After his birth I went on to learn that I had Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, which resulted in hypothyroidism.
I finally had an answer to all my losses.
What was blamed on my weight was really an endocrinologic disorder. A hormonal imbalance.
Not because I was fat.
While receiving a diagnosis finally put an end to one of what I considered to be my biggest failures as a woman; it left me bitter for awhile.
It’s been almost 2 years since I was diagnosed and 1 year since my thyroidectomy. I have a lot more knowledge now than I did then.
Everyday I’m learning how to accept my new normal. It has not been an easy journey at all. But when I look back at all that I’ve been through, I know without a doubt that I am blessed.
And for that I am always grateful.
