I remember my twenties like it was yesterday [queues melodramatic music]. Ok, so maybe my twenties wasn’t that long ago; but with all that’s happened in the last few years, my body certainly feels like it.
In my twenties I felt like I had an unlimited reserve of energy and youthfulness, even with having children. And with that false sense of security, I had a certain level of fearlessness when it came to my body; especially as I started to lose weight in my mid to late twenties.
Suddenly I was daring to go sleeveless, showing a little leg and feeling like I was on top of the world- all because of some weight loss. When I look back at that time, I regret that mentality that I adopted. I really was buying into the notion that weight loss somehow made me a better “fatty”, and that I was somehow different and more bold but truth is- I wasn’t.
When the weight started to come back in 2014 unexplained, I found myself depressed. I was no longer feeling bold, nor beautiful and I was right back to feeling…worthless and devoid of beauty. Yes, I kept up the guise but inside I was loathing my body for the control I didn’t have over it.
As the number on the scale climbed; my confidence diminished.
And a lot of things happened between 2014 and now; including the loss of a pregnancy, followed by a successful pregnancy, only to be followed by the Hashimoto’s and Hypothyroid diagnosis which was then followed by the arthritis diagnosis. I feel like my body has been in a constant state of chaos and in the midst of all this I have the responsibility of loving myself.
This has not been an easy task.
However, I’ve stepped up to the challenge. It began with deciding that the number on the scale could not be a measuring factor for my worth. I have slowly been rejecting the ideologies on weight and health that the diet culture of society has been force feeding people for years blatantly and subliminally.
I’ve started wearing the clothes “they” say I should not and can’t. Not because I want to make a point about their standards, but rather to make a point to myself. A year from now, 5 years from now; when I look back at this moment in my life, I don’t want to remember a person racked with insecurities and self doubts.
I don’t want to see the woman who was once convinced that my weight loss was what made me great. I want to remember a woman who saw the need for change, and took the steps to change; but loved herself unconditionally through those changes.
Dealing with the health challenges I have been dealing with have been so humbling, and have caused me to really look at things in a different light. I’ve been learning to appreciate things about myself that I once took for granted because they seemed insignificant.
These days my insecurities feel so minute in comparison to the real challenges I’m facing. And if I can get up every day and face those, a fupa, chub rub and bat wings under the arm are the very least of my concerns.