Yesterday was quite the day. It started off normal enough, dragging myself to work and counting down until I could punch the proverbial clock. About 20 minutes before I was ready to head for the hills, I saw an unfamiliar number on my phone. Normally I do not answer numbers I don’t recognize, but I did this time. About a week ago, I had an ultrasound done on my thyroid due to a goiter that I have growing in my neck. The phone call was the doctor’s office calling with my results.
The PA was her general chirpy self, however I knew she wasn’t calling with great news when her tone turned seemingly concerned. There were “complex nodules”, solid, and some mentions of “cold” and “hot” and other things I wasn’t familiar with. “Doctor Mepani wants to move forward with a biopsy so we can determine whether they are malignant or benign.” Malignant or benign. Those words played over and over again in my head.
From the time I found out that I had a thyroid problem, I’ve been frustrated but relieved we had an answer and was feeling positive in moving forward. Getting this treated would mean I could start losing weight normally. The constant feeling of a having a golf ball stuck in my throat is obnoxious, the dry skin, the tightness in my chest, my shedding hair, the joint pain all sucky but much more bearable with the idea of a quick fix pending. Now to hear that there was concerns that the problem could be bigger was not what I wanted to hear.
I had an evening spent crying and being worried with my anxiety through the roof. My husband was right there per usual with his support and comfort to talk me through my episode. The idea of even having to be checked for something like this is sobering. I am 32 years old. I am fat, I need to lose weight, but for the most part I’ve never had any major health problems aside from issues that came with pregnancy and of course my lifelong diagnosis of depression.
Suddenly a million thoughts were running through my head including what happens if this is really cancer? I don’t think I have cancer. From the time I knew it was a small possibility I wasn’t worried. I assumed that I’d go, nodules would all be cystic (fluid filled) and we could proceed with a thyroidectomy, hormone replacement and life would move on. The thought never really entered my head that they’d even have to look for cancer. I googled, I read the statistics, thyroid cancer is so rare and only 56,000 cases are reported a year. I still feel like the odds are in my favor, but now, the pragmatic part of my brain is preparing for the “what if”.
I told myself I was trippin’ for no reason. I’ll be fine. Life will go on. But that tiny question still resonates now… But will I really be ok? The reality is I won’t know until after my biopsy. I’m supposed to hear from the office Monday to get scheduled. In the interim, I’m trying my hardest not to allow my anxious side take control of my mind. I’m trying not to think about it. This is only going to go one of two ways; benign or malignant. No sense trying to figure it out. I just gotta go with the flow on this one. It’s definitely easier said than done.