Life has always been a tumultuous journey for me; full of youthful indiscretion, good intentions gone wrong and an ever revolving door of evolving relationships. I used to think that my life was going to be me being an attorney after graduating Harvard and living in a brownstone in Boston. Funny how none of those things happened for me; but I’m not disappointed.
I spent a lifetime trying to “find me”, going on these self serving journeys trying to figure out who I was and deciding how great I was going to be blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda. I don’t know what I think I was looking for; but I certainly know what I’ve found and that’s stability.
When I was in my 20’s I used to think I was supposed to behave a certain way. The idea of being settled down was a foreign concept, so when I got married at 24, I was the odd ball out in my group of friends. As I watched my friends date, spend late nights out, travel and do all the things single young folk get to do; I began to feel a little resentful of my peaceful calm life with my nuclear family.
A crisis soon manifested as I tried to make up for my youth since I had been a mother since 18. All of the things I started to do whether it was partying hard, smoking, late nights etc, they didn’t get to take the place of parenting and being a wife which I still had to do when I went home. I soon became stressed and discontented with the inability to juggle both lives; a decision had to be made.
I thought about it long and hard, decided that these things I was trying to do to make me feel better about a life I had chosen were not doing anything but aging me faster. I realized that I had something great and unique, that many people my age were haphazardly stumbling about trying to achieve; and here it was in my hands. Glad to say crisis came to an end and I was able to refocus myself.
I’ll be 32 in a few months, and instead of feeling like I’m supposed to be something or somewhere specific, I’m quite content with knowing that I’m on the wave I’m supposed to be riding. I have no doubt that changes will ebb and flow and I will grow right along with shift. What I needed most, what I had yearned for most was something so simple; and now that I’m in my 30s, I’m completely unapologetic about having it and being content.